Moving to a big city can be a scary and lonely situation and millions of Urbanites shuffle through the streets on their own. For a lucky few that manage to find Mister or Miss Right there can be certain challenges that test the strength of the relationship. Thankfully game developers have shed some light on these grim realities that face millions of Urbanites on a daily basis and given us the tools to prepare for the challenges of city life and maintaining relationships.
River City Ransom
High School life can be tough especially while trying to manage a relationship, homework, extra curricular activities and of course kidnappings. High School student Ryan has been going steady with Cyndi for quite some time. I heard he even gave her his letterman jacket AND class ring but this didn't sit well with the jealous and conniving Slick. Luckily your life long dude-bro Alex is happy to help you punch your way through every gang of frat boys and generic dudes in town. Unlike the other games on this list River City Ransom teaches you the importance of money management and proper nutrition.
This video shows an easy way for any youth to earn a little extra money to buy some Chow Mein and Mint Gum. Growing boys need to consume plenty of Pepper Beef if they want to have enough energy to beat the life and money out of every petty thug they see.
TMNT Arcade
One of the greatest aspects of living in a major Metropolitan area is the diversity of the population and blending of cultures and ethnic backgrounds. However there are still some that are intolerant of non traditional relationships even those involving four super mutant kung fu tortises and plucky jump suited News Anchors. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade puts you in control of a mutated Ninja Turtle that must rescue April O'neil from the Shredder. You'll learn to safely travel through various locales such as alley ways, office buildings and sewers to rescue the love of your ( and your three brothers) life.
Your teen years are a confusing time.
Double Dragon
Billy Lee and Marian are living in the city and making it on their own thanks to the power of love. Fate however stepped in punched Marian in the gut tossed her over it's shoulder and ran off. It's up to Billy Lee to punch his way through countless thugs to battle his own brother Jimmy Lee for Marian's love.
Marian's Love
Another important lesson taught early in the game is to avoid errant conveyor belts. Every year countless people fall to their deaths due to conveyor belt related mishaps. Keep this in mind should you have to slug it out with a potato headed street tough as you can turn this to your advantage if you're skilled enough.
I feel the need to mention that in the Double Dragon film Marian was played by Alyssa Milano. Here is her butt.
Acting.
Final Fight
Let's say you want to avoid the constant threat of kidnapping that's involved in every modern relationship and take up and active interest in politics. All of this wanton crime, theft and kidnapping makes you sick and you want to help improve the lives of your fellow citizens. Before long you find yourself in the Mayor's seat and have earned yourself quite a few enemies on your quest to clean up the mean streets.
POLITIIIIICS!
Unfortunately for Mayor Mike Haggar the father of the beautiful Jessica Haggar the Mad Gear Gang only knows one way to gain influence over political figures. You guessed it. Kidnapping. Some where along the lines though the Mad Gear Gang failed to take note of Mike Haggar's illustrious wrasslin' career. A fatal oversight.
It's also important to note Belger's motorized throne and crossbow. These are warningsigns that someone is an extortionist super criminal and the only way to deal with them is to toss them out of a high rise office building.
Real life Mike Haggar.
Streets of Rage
Living in the city as a woman is clearly a scary proposition so you want to do something about it and join the police force. Only to find that the entire system is corrupt and that anyone can be bought for the right price. Your only choice is to quit the police force and take the law into your own dainty vigilante hands.
Living in the city as a woman is clearly a scary proposition so you want to do something about it and join the police force. Only to find that the entire system is corrupt and that anyone can be bought for the right price. Your only choice is to quit the police force and take the law into your own dainty vigilante hands.
Female empowerment.
Ultimately after rescuing the city from the mysterious Mr X you can settle down and begin a new career as a dance instructor or something.
What lessons have we gleaned from these classic games?
01. Nutrition is key if you find yourself in a situation that calls for the brutal beating of hundreds of thugs.
02. You can always count on your oldest friend or sparring partner to help rescue your lover. You can't always trust your brother though.
03. People are still intolerant of unconventional relationships.
04. If someone's office has a motorized throne and cross bow you're probably dealing with a Crime Lord.
05. Law Enforcement agencies are terrible at enforcing the law and topless vigilantism is the only sure fire way to clean up the streets.
Damn it Mike!
1 comments:
This gives me the lulz.
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